i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
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just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
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You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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