My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
