Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
