During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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