I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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