I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Randomize
