I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
