nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
