you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
