new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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