Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
where am i from again
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
