this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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