does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
