I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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