Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
3 2 1 whiskey
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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