Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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