i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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