Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
