They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...