Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
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I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
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I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming