Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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