Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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