He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
