so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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