I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
