Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
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door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
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ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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