There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
