the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
