I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Your dad touched me again.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
