saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
