You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
