Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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