I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
