how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?