The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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