Define "chronic" masturbator.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
