I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
