Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
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i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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