I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
