the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I need to sanitize my soul.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
