Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
