I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.