Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
