He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
