I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
