Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
