Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
