After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
