the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
