Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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