we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
