So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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