I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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