Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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