Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
