she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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