U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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