when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Found the puke drawer
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
