I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
