Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
